I need funny, clean jokes...?
Q. I'm always looking for some funny, CLEAN jokes. Do you guys have any you wanna share? And I'll award best answer on the person who gives the funniest, cleanest jokes with some other random thoughts in there too. :D
A. Two guys in a boat...... One say to the other "I think I am gonna divorce my wife, She hasn't spoken to me in 6 months!"
The other guy says " You better think it over,,,,, Women like that are hard to find"
***
I went to fancy dress party... man said "what you come as?" i replied "a snail" man said "why that woman on your back?" i said "that's Michelle".
***
A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor in the park and says, �Make me one with everything.� The hot dog vendor makes him a hot dog with everything on it and hands it to him, saying, �That will be $5.� The Zen Buddhist hands him $20 and waits patiently. After nothing happens, he says, �Where is my change?� The hot dog vendor says, �Change is within.� And he slowly walks away.
***
Good exercise for older adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. (four or five feet) With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
***
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
***
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
Doorman: Your car is at the door, sir.
Car Owner: Yes, I hear it knocking.
One skeleton to the other: "If we had any guts, we'd be out of here.
Father to son: I don't care if we have a crack in one of the walls. Please stop telling everyone you come from a broken home.
My dog likes to eat garlic. Now his bark is much worse then his bite.
Why don't you learn to play the guitar and stop picking on me?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
***
Three men are out golfing when they notice a funeral procession going by, the one man doffs his cap and stands solemnly until the last car goes by. The other fellow turns to the third and says "Now that's what I call a real gentleman" The first man said "Least I could do, I've been married to her for the last 35 years"
***
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
***
One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your father home?" the boss asks.
"Yes," the child replies.
"May I please speak with him?"
"No," is the response.
The boss is a tad startled, but he realizes he's talking to a little kid, so he says "OK, is your mommy home then?"
"Yes," is whispered again.
"May I please speak with her?"
"No," is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.
"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.
"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.
"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.
"They're all with the search party," the child says.
"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.
"Me!" the voice replies, and then hangs up.
***
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me n
The other guy says " You better think it over,,,,, Women like that are hard to find"
***
I went to fancy dress party... man said "what you come as?" i replied "a snail" man said "why that woman on your back?" i said "that's Michelle".
***
A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor in the park and says, �Make me one with everything.� The hot dog vendor makes him a hot dog with everything on it and hands it to him, saying, �That will be $5.� The Zen Buddhist hands him $20 and waits patiently. After nothing happens, he says, �Where is my change?� The hot dog vendor says, �Change is within.� And he slowly walks away.
***
Good exercise for older adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. (four or five feet) With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
***
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
***
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
Doorman: Your car is at the door, sir.
Car Owner: Yes, I hear it knocking.
One skeleton to the other: "If we had any guts, we'd be out of here.
Father to son: I don't care if we have a crack in one of the walls. Please stop telling everyone you come from a broken home.
My dog likes to eat garlic. Now his bark is much worse then his bite.
Why don't you learn to play the guitar and stop picking on me?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
***
Three men are out golfing when they notice a funeral procession going by, the one man doffs his cap and stands solemnly until the last car goes by. The other fellow turns to the third and says "Now that's what I call a real gentleman" The first man said "Least I could do, I've been married to her for the last 35 years"
***
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
***
One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your father home?" the boss asks.
"Yes," the child replies.
"May I please speak with him?"
"No," is the response.
The boss is a tad startled, but he realizes he's talking to a little kid, so he says "OK, is your mommy home then?"
"Yes," is whispered again.
"May I please speak with her?"
"No," is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.
"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.
"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.
"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.
"They're all with the search party," the child says.
"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.
"Me!" the voice replies, and then hangs up.
***
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me n
Variation ( genetics )?
Q. I got some problems about the discontinuous variation in biology.
Discontinuous variation is a type of variation in which the differences in a character are distinctive, and they can not be measured or graded from one extreme to the other. This variation is not influenced by environmental factors. A single gene determines the differences in the traits of a character.Example are fingerprint patterns.
And here's my question, why identical twins the different fingerprint patterns wheres they have the same gene?
Can anyone please explain it to me please?
Thank you
Discontinuous variation is a type of variation in which the differences in a character are distinctive, and they can not be measured or graded from one extreme to the other. This variation is not influenced by environmental factors. A single gene determines the differences in the traits of a character.Example are fingerprint patterns.
And here's my question, why identical twins the different fingerprint patterns wheres they have the same gene?
Can anyone please explain it to me please?
Thank you
A. http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1277/do-identical-twins-have-different-fingerprints
Do identical twins have different fingerprints?
August 21, 1998
Dear Cecil:
An issue came up the other evening over dinner. Do identical twins have different fingerprints? If it's a genetic trait, one would think the twins would have the same fingerprints at birth; yet we are told everyone has unique prints. Please help me so I can get some sleep.
� Kraig Griebenow, via the Internet
Dear Kraig:
If this is the kind of thing that keeps you up at night, babe, don't ever have teenagers. The sound-bite answer to your question is yes--identical twins have fingerprints that can be readily distinguished on close examination. However, the prints do have striking similarities. In fact, before the arrival of modern genetic testing, similarity of fingerprints was often used to determine whether twins were identical or fraternal. (Identical twins, you'll recall, are genetic duplicates who develop from a single egg. Fraternal twins develop from separate eggs and are no more closely related than ordinary siblings, except that they spend nine months sharing an extremely small bedroom.)
Twin fingerprints are much beloved by scientists, who see them as a classic arena for the old nature-versus-nurture debate: What made you what you are today, your genes or your environment? Twin fingerprints clearly show that it's a little of both. If you compare palm prints and fingerprints of the Dionne quintuplets (born in 1934, they were the first quints of which all five survived), you find that the broad-brush pattern of lines, whorls, loops, etc., as well as what researchers call "ridge count," were quite similar for the whole crew. Nonetheless each kid had unique prints due to differences in detail. "There is as yet no evidence that the arrangement of the minutiae (ending ridges, bifurcating ridges, etc.) is in any way genetically influenced," writes fingerprint expert James Cowger. Presumably these minor but crucial differences arise from random local events during fetal development, the same kind of thing that makes each snowflake unique.
"But Cecil," you say, "you yourself revealed that duplicate snowflakes have been found!" So I did, but don't think that's gonna help you beat a murder rap. One genius has computed that the chances of duplicating even a portion of a fingerprint are 1 in 100 quintillion (one followed by 20 zeros). Multiply that by the totality of each finger times ten fingers and you can see why O.J. thought he'd have better luck hiring a rhyming lawyer. (OK, O.J.'s problem was DNA, not fingerprints, but you know what I'm saying.)
Now think what this tells us about the nature of life. (You thought this was just about fingerprints? And Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was just about motorcycles!) Fingerprints suggest we are not simply the prisoners of our genes. On the contrary, much of our physical makeup seems to be improvised--improvised, moreover, not by some master jazz musician, but by a collection of stupid molecules. How can this be? For that matter, how does this whole business of "gene expression" work? I mean, you start off with a little blob of protoplasm, and the cells divide, and somehow one bunch of cells knows it's going to wind up being the liver, another the eyeball, and another the right pinkie . . . but how? How does this fabulously complicated creature arise from the genetic information in the chromosomes? I gotta confess to you, friends. It stumps even me.
Let's close with one question maybe we can answer. Assuming the Creator didn't make fingerprints solely as an aid to law enforcement, what are they for, anyway? James Cowger thinks he knows. He calls fingerprints "friction ridges" and suggests they make it easier to get a grip. And these days, God knows, couldn't we all use the help?
� Cecil Adams
Do identical twins have different fingerprints?
August 21, 1998
Dear Cecil:
An issue came up the other evening over dinner. Do identical twins have different fingerprints? If it's a genetic trait, one would think the twins would have the same fingerprints at birth; yet we are told everyone has unique prints. Please help me so I can get some sleep.
� Kraig Griebenow, via the Internet
Dear Kraig:
If this is the kind of thing that keeps you up at night, babe, don't ever have teenagers. The sound-bite answer to your question is yes--identical twins have fingerprints that can be readily distinguished on close examination. However, the prints do have striking similarities. In fact, before the arrival of modern genetic testing, similarity of fingerprints was often used to determine whether twins were identical or fraternal. (Identical twins, you'll recall, are genetic duplicates who develop from a single egg. Fraternal twins develop from separate eggs and are no more closely related than ordinary siblings, except that they spend nine months sharing an extremely small bedroom.)
Twin fingerprints are much beloved by scientists, who see them as a classic arena for the old nature-versus-nurture debate: What made you what you are today, your genes or your environment? Twin fingerprints clearly show that it's a little of both. If you compare palm prints and fingerprints of the Dionne quintuplets (born in 1934, they were the first quints of which all five survived), you find that the broad-brush pattern of lines, whorls, loops, etc., as well as what researchers call "ridge count," were quite similar for the whole crew. Nonetheless each kid had unique prints due to differences in detail. "There is as yet no evidence that the arrangement of the minutiae (ending ridges, bifurcating ridges, etc.) is in any way genetically influenced," writes fingerprint expert James Cowger. Presumably these minor but crucial differences arise from random local events during fetal development, the same kind of thing that makes each snowflake unique.
"But Cecil," you say, "you yourself revealed that duplicate snowflakes have been found!" So I did, but don't think that's gonna help you beat a murder rap. One genius has computed that the chances of duplicating even a portion of a fingerprint are 1 in 100 quintillion (one followed by 20 zeros). Multiply that by the totality of each finger times ten fingers and you can see why O.J. thought he'd have better luck hiring a rhyming lawyer. (OK, O.J.'s problem was DNA, not fingerprints, but you know what I'm saying.)
Now think what this tells us about the nature of life. (You thought this was just about fingerprints? And Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was just about motorcycles!) Fingerprints suggest we are not simply the prisoners of our genes. On the contrary, much of our physical makeup seems to be improvised--improvised, moreover, not by some master jazz musician, but by a collection of stupid molecules. How can this be? For that matter, how does this whole business of "gene expression" work? I mean, you start off with a little blob of protoplasm, and the cells divide, and somehow one bunch of cells knows it's going to wind up being the liver, another the eyeball, and another the right pinkie . . . but how? How does this fabulously complicated creature arise from the genetic information in the chromosomes? I gotta confess to you, friends. It stumps even me.
Let's close with one question maybe we can answer. Assuming the Creator didn't make fingerprints solely as an aid to law enforcement, what are they for, anyway? James Cowger thinks he knows. He calls fingerprints "friction ridges" and suggests they make it easier to get a grip. And these days, God knows, couldn't we all use the help?
� Cecil Adams
Why does the USA have so much poverty?
Q. I know the question is vague, but why do we have so much poverty compared to other Europeans nations? We were the first nation in the industrialized world that didn't have most of the population in poverty, yet we have so much poverty compared to them in the 21st century? I've traveled to Europe, (England, France, and Germany) where I was born) and England had some poverty, it was kind of bad (some people would go to school just to get a proper meal, and some people turned to violent because they grew up in poverty and didn't realize that the only way to get out of poverty was education, and also "big issue" people, who handed out magazines to make money, as I can remember) but we don't see ads on tv saying "feed British children" like we see here in the USA. Sure, I love America and I prefer it over England. But why do we have so much poverty? I'm sorry if I am generalizing, please feel free to correct me if I have made a mistake.
Thanks for your time.
I know Scandinavian countries enjoy higher standard of living than the U.S.A, but they have such little population and higher taxes than the U.S.A. How can the U.S.A be has the largest economy on the planet (by far). I know health care can lead to poverty and losing your home, but I cannot see how European (socialized) nations have lower poverty than the U.S.A when socialism is going to make them bankrupted and some British people complain that 30+ years of socialism (under labor and Conservative ruling) has ruin their country.
Billy Jack, I don't get what you mean. You want sources from the poverty in the U.S.A or about European nations?
Thanks for your time.
I know Scandinavian countries enjoy higher standard of living than the U.S.A, but they have such little population and higher taxes than the U.S.A. How can the U.S.A be has the largest economy on the planet (by far). I know health care can lead to poverty and losing your home, but I cannot see how European (socialized) nations have lower poverty than the U.S.A when socialism is going to make them bankrupted and some British people complain that 30+ years of socialism (under labor and Conservative ruling) has ruin their country.
Billy Jack, I don't get what you mean. You want sources from the poverty in the U.S.A or about European nations?
A. I know of two legal immigrant family that lived in poverty. With one family, I saw a picture of them living in huts, raggedy clothes, a few chicken, a cow, vegetable gardens & fruit trees. No plumbing no electricity no toilet no shower head. The Youngest son arrive two years later than his parents and one of his elder brother. They never applied for welfare but didn't have High paying jobs. The elder brother worked in a warehouse, the father worked in a elderly home, the mother worked as a temporary pocket repair (10 cent a pocket) seamstress earning $ 50 a week, until landing a permanent seamstress job $1.50 above minimum, Living in a 1 bedroom apartment. The parents saved what ever was left with their earnings sending half of it & things to support their 5 older children who has children of their own feeding the irresponsibility of two children who keeps adding more offspring to their collection. For the parents or the kid they pretty much rely on used clothes, used furniture, used kitchenware, & 99 cent toys. Food in this country for them was very affordable, their first taste of any fast food they experience here but mostly defend on home cooking & canned food. The elder brother now has a family & a house has a good paying job. The kid grew up worked in a warehouse, joined the military & earned an associate degree. He earned less than $ 20,000 (poverty line) a year and can afford all necessity & some stuff he would like even a car it shouldn't matter if its used.
They endured poverty without much complaining & made the best of it. They didn't take advantage of welfare/food stamp nor did they resolve into crime & actually contributed to society even at the lowest level making something of themselves rather than waste away.
Those who are dependent on handouts has succumb into greed & will always want more because others who made something of themselves has more than they do. Politicians have granted their needs by incentivising them not to work with welfare that doesn't really get anyone out of poverty, thus the influx in illegal imigration. Those who becomes obese under welfare are an example of their greed, inactivity & corruption by some. Now excuses are being made for obesity like fast food is unhealthy & fatty. Food is life nourishing no matter how fat it is. In the animal kingdom, carnivores will gorge or scavenge as much as they can from the whole animal. Third Worlders would love to afford fast food. There the gluttons & sloth will become obese, it's all about self discipline. There are obese people in third worlds even without past food. There used to be a time when people can live without what Spoiled poor in developed countries can't live without like I pods, Flat Screen TVs, Fashion brand name clothes, laptops, video game consoles, etc.
One group of americans who made life as they make of it are the Amish. They live in pre-industrial era & have removed themselves of greed, envy & arrogance that a majority outside their realm are susceptible to, depending on group/tribe, as some group has strong belief in hard work, honor & humility. Even without much higher education stopping at 8 grade they seem to have done well for themselves & thrived.
Unlike those outside their realm who have made professions of dependency among the working/non working poor: pan handling/welfare, & among the corrupt non working/corrupt working: thievery, inside jobs (stealing from employers/employers clients), racketeering, drug dealing, rape & murder.
The Amish are very independent compelled to make a better space in their world with the self awareness and self confidence that those abilities bring developing towards becoming whole individually. The more individuals are whole in their self reliance the better their community becomes towards self reliance.
The Amish practices principles similar to Nintai & Haji principal of Shinto or Zen Buddhism in Suppressing pride to live with dignity through humility & suffering pride that they & many others in the world practice everyday along with behavioral principle of honesty, responsibility, perseverance (hard work), hospitality, generosity, respect towards all others rather than make up a holiday on the last week of they year knocking off a menorah candelabra with 7 candles to instill collective nationalistic arrogant undertones.
Edit:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhdIEvSuThqIECDU4qoWUEfty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20110327113806AAPsK1a
http://www.hulu.com/watch/232623/stossel-freeloaders
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHxRSakuGMg
http://www.hulu.com/watch/188838/stossel-thu-oct-7-2010
http://www.hulu.com/watch/205166/stossel-politicians�-top-10-promises-gone-wrong
They endured poverty without much complaining & made the best of it. They didn't take advantage of welfare/food stamp nor did they resolve into crime & actually contributed to society even at the lowest level making something of themselves rather than waste away.
Those who are dependent on handouts has succumb into greed & will always want more because others who made something of themselves has more than they do. Politicians have granted their needs by incentivising them not to work with welfare that doesn't really get anyone out of poverty, thus the influx in illegal imigration. Those who becomes obese under welfare are an example of their greed, inactivity & corruption by some. Now excuses are being made for obesity like fast food is unhealthy & fatty. Food is life nourishing no matter how fat it is. In the animal kingdom, carnivores will gorge or scavenge as much as they can from the whole animal. Third Worlders would love to afford fast food. There the gluttons & sloth will become obese, it's all about self discipline. There are obese people in third worlds even without past food. There used to be a time when people can live without what Spoiled poor in developed countries can't live without like I pods, Flat Screen TVs, Fashion brand name clothes, laptops, video game consoles, etc.
One group of americans who made life as they make of it are the Amish. They live in pre-industrial era & have removed themselves of greed, envy & arrogance that a majority outside their realm are susceptible to, depending on group/tribe, as some group has strong belief in hard work, honor & humility. Even without much higher education stopping at 8 grade they seem to have done well for themselves & thrived.
Unlike those outside their realm who have made professions of dependency among the working/non working poor: pan handling/welfare, & among the corrupt non working/corrupt working: thievery, inside jobs (stealing from employers/employers clients), racketeering, drug dealing, rape & murder.
The Amish are very independent compelled to make a better space in their world with the self awareness and self confidence that those abilities bring developing towards becoming whole individually. The more individuals are whole in their self reliance the better their community becomes towards self reliance.
The Amish practices principles similar to Nintai & Haji principal of Shinto or Zen Buddhism in Suppressing pride to live with dignity through humility & suffering pride that they & many others in the world practice everyday along with behavioral principle of honesty, responsibility, perseverance (hard work), hospitality, generosity, respect towards all others rather than make up a holiday on the last week of they year knocking off a menorah candelabra with 7 candles to instill collective nationalistic arrogant undertones.
Edit:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhdIEvSuThqIECDU4qoWUEfty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20110327113806AAPsK1a
http://www.hulu.com/watch/232623/stossel-freeloaders
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHxRSakuGMg
http://www.hulu.com/watch/188838/stossel-thu-oct-7-2010
http://www.hulu.com/watch/205166/stossel-politicians�-top-10-promises-gone-wrong
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Title Post: I need funny, clean jokes...?
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
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