Dreams, dreams, dreams?
Q. My Nintendo DS had been lost for at least a week and then a few nights ago, I had this dream that had me in first person view and I was walking towards my closet in my bedroom and this bag came off the ground and opened before me and there was my DS. When I awoke, I went to the bag, exactly the way the dream did, and I found it there. Another night a while ago, I was riding down a deserted street somewhere and I came upon Louis, from Even Stevens, or Shia Lebouf. I thought of him as Louis, because somehow he was acting the part and I always really thought of Shia as Louis, having always watched the show before it was offed. Well, I stopped my bike in the dream because Louis was on the side of the road selling candy. No one else was with him. I think I remember talking to him a bit and then, next thing I know, I'm riding off down the street with a bunch of the candy on the table he was selling in my arms. How I managed to hold all that candy is beyond me, but It sure tasted good. It actually tasted like REAL candy, delicious. Also in that same dream, the scene totally changed. I was in front of my old House in Louisiana, the one I grew up in, and I was able to fly. It was such an amazing feeling! This was probably the best dream I've ever had, as opposed to the horrible dream I had last night. First, there was this house, it was the old house I used to live in when I moved to Florida after Katrina. There were a bunch of little kids there and all of a sudden these huge guys came and took them all and I remember, when we were all walking through the yard, I was the last, and I ran away and hid on the side of this house. I know the guy came and caught me, but it stopped there. Next thing I know, I'm in a high school, other kids are around. We were in gym and this guy did something perverted, forgot what, but I know I glared at him. I had a feeling of dread because of the Scream character in my dream. I was scared of him finding me. Every time I died of because the Scream character got me, I just went on to being another kid who ended up dead. I tried hiding everywhere, locked classrooms, the office for no smoking?? (don't ask), and a room with a bunch of people. After my last death, I was a girl who Scream killed in her car, I was in Walmart, at the checkout place. I was playing my Nintendo DS and this girl, all of a sudden, walked by and handed me her Animal Crossing Nintendo DS game. That's where the dream ended and I woke up. Any thoughts on this, or is it just my imagination? Any weird, or scary, or amazing dreams you'd like to share?
A. oh. wow. That was a weird dream. You know what I dream about is my math/history teacher killing me. In the first dream she sewed my mouth shut and hit me with a bunch of sharp objects. Yet I managed to get away without dying. Now every once in a while I'll be somewhere else where she torchers me, and yet again, before she can kill me, I manage to get away. The funny part is that I even told my teacher that she keeps trying to kill me in my dreams and she laughed. Plus you know that show where they have some witch girls and they are mean to some girl and so they put snakes everywhere in her house? I think the show is called Charmed or something like that. Well I had a dream about snakes everywhere. And sunday I was walking in the woods with my best friend and saw a Blue Runner snake well actually, I almost stepped on the snake. It so could have attacked me, but luckily I was wearing my converse.(I have a pair on converse that go almost up to my knees) Everyone says I must be from the 80's with the way I dress sometimes, but I'm glad I wore those shoes even though it was really hot that day down in Louisiana.
if you saw a little girl try to cut herself with a paperclip?!?
Q. yes, I realise how sad this is.
I'm in the babysitting business : )
i love little kids and they love me back (usually)
i am a 13 year old female and so far i have only babysat 2 kids.
one was a 4 year old little boy
and the one i am currently babysitting is a girl, she's 5, almost 6.
so she has ADD and ADHD and she's quite a handfull. but i've been watching her for a while and we usually do pretty good.
so today ( i babysit at my house)
she was in my room and she was sitting on my bed watching cartoons.
so she made my room look like hell, she always does that.
so i was going to go get some paper towels.
when i came back i saw that she had found the razor hidden under my mattress near the headboard. (this isn't about ME!!!) she was playing with it. i took it away and explained to her not to touch sharp things and never to take something like that again. and i moved her away from the headboard in case she found cigarettes or something. so i went to put the razor in a hiding place ( i need to hide everything she cant have she's very persistant) and when i came back i saw her try to cut her arm with a paperclip!!!
i took that away and asked her "what did i just say??"
and asked her why she was doing it.
she said she didn't know and that as far as i could get with the kid.
what should i do?!
she seemed to think it was funny.
i don't know where the hell she even got the idea, she hasn't seen scars on me or anyone else i dont think...
her parents are subliminal IDIOTS if i said she was trying to cut they'd think it was cute. any advice?
I'm in the babysitting business : )
i love little kids and they love me back (usually)
i am a 13 year old female and so far i have only babysat 2 kids.
one was a 4 year old little boy
and the one i am currently babysitting is a girl, she's 5, almost 6.
so she has ADD and ADHD and she's quite a handfull. but i've been watching her for a while and we usually do pretty good.
so today ( i babysit at my house)
she was in my room and she was sitting on my bed watching cartoons.
so she made my room look like hell, she always does that.
so i was going to go get some paper towels.
when i came back i saw that she had found the razor hidden under my mattress near the headboard. (this isn't about ME!!!) she was playing with it. i took it away and explained to her not to touch sharp things and never to take something like that again. and i moved her away from the headboard in case she found cigarettes or something. so i went to put the razor in a hiding place ( i need to hide everything she cant have she's very persistant) and when i came back i saw her try to cut her arm with a paperclip!!!
i took that away and asked her "what did i just say??"
and asked her why she was doing it.
she said she didn't know and that as far as i could get with the kid.
what should i do?!
she seemed to think it was funny.
i don't know where the hell she even got the idea, she hasn't seen scars on me or anyone else i dont think...
her parents are subliminal IDIOTS if i said she was trying to cut they'd think it was cute. any advice?
A. First of all, it sounds like your bedroom isn't a safe place for her. She is still young and is going to try out anything. All sharp objects should be in an unreachable place for a young child.
Second, kids are always going to push the limits. You made a big deal about the razor because it was sharp and could hurt her. So she found something else that was sharp and tried it out. Don't assume that she was "cutting". She does seem to be the kind of child that will try to get attention by any means. Some kids are just like that! But, that said, are you Certain she has never seen your scars?
Caring for children requires great amounts of patience and understanding! Play with her outside (if weather permits). Play games that are fun, and burn energy (sports, chasing games, obstacle courses, etc.) this way when you do come indoors she might be ready for some more quiet play or reading. Try to avoid watching too much tv with her. This could be getting her excited too. Besides, her parents are paying you to care for her - not your tv. Baby-sitting can be a lot of fun - but it can be a lot of work too!! Enjoy it!
And I have to ask - are you talking to anyone about the cutting? Because it sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than just a baby-sitting issue...
Second, kids are always going to push the limits. You made a big deal about the razor because it was sharp and could hurt her. So she found something else that was sharp and tried it out. Don't assume that she was "cutting". She does seem to be the kind of child that will try to get attention by any means. Some kids are just like that! But, that said, are you Certain she has never seen your scars?
Caring for children requires great amounts of patience and understanding! Play with her outside (if weather permits). Play games that are fun, and burn energy (sports, chasing games, obstacle courses, etc.) this way when you do come indoors she might be ready for some more quiet play or reading. Try to avoid watching too much tv with her. This could be getting her excited too. Besides, her parents are paying you to care for her - not your tv. Baby-sitting can be a lot of fun - but it can be a lot of work too!! Enjoy it!
And I have to ask - are you talking to anyone about the cutting? Because it sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than just a baby-sitting issue...
will some one please tell me some funny lil johnny jokes!?
Q. that boy is hilarious!
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Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the
bathroom.
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,"
Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time
he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas
present I ever got."
"That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know
how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the
day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to
play it at night.
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Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really
depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"
Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really
horny!"
With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said,
"Here you go son. Go into town tonight and have a good time."
"Great!" said the boy, and off he went.
The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good.
In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do last
night?"
Little Johnny answers, "Hey dad, I got laid last night and
I've still got the $100."
"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father asked with
interest.
"Well," said the boy, "I went into town like you told me
and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and
she took me to her place and fixed me up."
The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed
my mother!"
Little Johnny said, "Why not dad? You screw mine!"
One morning in school the teacher decided to teach the children the
different names adult & young creatures have. So she draws a picture of a
dog & asks the class what the baby animal would be called, well out comes,
"A puppy". She then draws a kitten, and asks the class what an adult would
be called, and heard, "A cat".
Now the teacher draws a picture of a fawn, with all the spots, she asks the
class what the adult would be? No answer! She removes the spots, no reply,
she draws horns, and tells the class the animal eats grass and has horns,
still no answer. She tells them one more clue, your mother is doing dishes
and your father walks up behind her, puts his arms around her and kisses her
on the back of the neck! She will call him this name!
Little Johnny in the back of the room has his arm in the air in a flash, he
calls out "Is that a Horny Bastard"?
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A kindergarden teacher was playing a game with her class. "Now
kids," she started, "I am going to hide something behind my back
and I will give you clues. I want you to guess what I am
hiding."
She takes the first object and hides it behind her back, "Now
what I have is round but not too round and it's orange but not
too orange. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Little Suzie raises her hand and asks, "Is it an orange?"
"No," says the teacher, "it's a tangerine, but you're thinking
and I like that."
She then hides another object and says, "Now what I have is red
but not too red, and it's round too but not too round. Can
anybody tell me what it is?"
Little Rachel raises her hand and asks, "Is it an apple?"
"No," says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but you're thinking and I
like that."
Little Billy can't resist and raises his hand, "Can I play?
Please let me hide something, PLEASE."
The teacher says that he can try so he takes his hand and reaches
way down deep in his pocket.
"Now what I have is long but not too long and it's got a pink tip
but not too pink," grins Billy broadly.
The teachers face turns three shades of red and she screams,
"Billy sit down this instant. I am going to call your mother."
Billy just smiles and pulls his hand out of his pocket. "It's a
pencil, but you're thinking and I like that."
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Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park.
Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes
another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."
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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She
told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify
who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up
and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could
finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish
those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her
class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station
where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking
him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work
been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I
would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
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Little Johnny was playing in his grandfather's barn. He was dipping worms into a
mixture of chemicals he had discovered, then driving them like nails into a board.
Grampa, seeing this, offered him a new bicycle if he could borrow some of the mix
overnight.
The next morning, grampa staggered bowlegged out of his bedroom with a big grin on
his face. "All right, Johnny, let's go buy you a new bike!"
"Never mind Grampa," he replied, "Gramma was up early this morning and bought me a
motorcycle!"
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Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking home from school one day. As they walked
along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits.
"What are they doing, Johnny?" Suzie asked.
Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they
were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Lil'
Suzie replied, "Oh."
They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny." Well,
Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared"
her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked
past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?"
she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny." So,
Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.
After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they
saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Lil'
Johnny?" she asked again. "Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.
After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny."
Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "Boo, damn
it, Boo!"
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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on
his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every
way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the
players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go
home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him
out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and
without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card
players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did
you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
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A nursery school teacher says to the class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a
sentence?"
First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have
lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."
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Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As
they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a
hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends
and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the
fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney
started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after
school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and
Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would
turn to stone....
And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........
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Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you
live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big
for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week
allowance. That's should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked,
"And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to
the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher
replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The
correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a
sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit,
then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
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Johnny walks into a whorehouse. He's holding a shoebox under his arm. He reaches up
to the counter and rings the bell. Out comes the madame. She looks down at Johnny
and says to him, "Well, well, what can we do for you little boy?"
"Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids."
The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"
"Open yer fuckin' ears, bitch! I wanna girl with aids!"
She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize
that this kind of thing costs money, you know."
She stops laughing when Johnny slams down three hundred dollars
on the counter. "Money's not a problem, lady."
"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks.
"That ain't none of yer business. You gonna give me the bitch
with aids or what?"
"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get
her. By the way, what's in the shoebox?"
Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."
The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"
Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The madame looks
puzzled. Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the bitch with aids, then I get
aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She fucks my dad and he gets aids. My
dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the mailman and he gets aids and
that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog!"
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The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of
the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally,
would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very
good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your
turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said,
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"
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Smart Johnny
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on
each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly
doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?"
and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next
Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next
day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the
teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor
sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young
kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
************************************************************
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the
bathroom.
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,"
Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time
he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas
present I ever got."
"That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know
how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the
day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to
play it at night.
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Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really
depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"
Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really
horny!"
With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said,
"Here you go son. Go into town tonight and have a good time."
"Great!" said the boy, and off he went.
The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good.
In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do last
night?"
Little Johnny answers, "Hey dad, I got laid last night and
I've still got the $100."
"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father asked with
interest.
"Well," said the boy, "I went into town like you told me
and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and
she took me to her place and fixed me up."
The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed
my mother!"
Little Johnny said, "Why not dad? You screw mine!"
One morning in school the teacher decided to teach the children the
different names adult & young creatures have. So she draws a picture of a
dog & asks the class what the baby animal would be called, well out comes,
"A puppy". She then draws a kitten, and asks the class what an adult would
be called, and heard, "A cat".
Now the teacher draws a picture of a fawn, with all the spots, she asks the
class what the adult would be? No answer! She removes the spots, no reply,
she draws horns, and tells the class the animal eats grass and has horns,
still no answer. She tells them one more clue, your mother is doing dishes
and your father walks up behind her, puts his arms around her and kisses her
on the back of the neck! She will call him this name!
Little Johnny in the back of the room has his arm in the air in a flash, he
calls out "Is that a Horny Bastard"?
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A kindergarden teacher was playing a game with her class. "Now
kids," she started, "I am going to hide something behind my back
and I will give you clues. I want you to guess what I am
hiding."
She takes the first object and hides it behind her back, "Now
what I have is round but not too round and it's orange but not
too orange. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Little Suzie raises her hand and asks, "Is it an orange?"
"No," says the teacher, "it's a tangerine, but you're thinking
and I like that."
She then hides another object and says, "Now what I have is red
but not too red, and it's round too but not too round. Can
anybody tell me what it is?"
Little Rachel raises her hand and asks, "Is it an apple?"
"No," says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but you're thinking and I
like that."
Little Billy can't resist and raises his hand, "Can I play?
Please let me hide something, PLEASE."
The teacher says that he can try so he takes his hand and reaches
way down deep in his pocket.
"Now what I have is long but not too long and it's got a pink tip
but not too pink," grins Billy broadly.
The teachers face turns three shades of red and she screams,
"Billy sit down this instant. I am going to call your mother."
Billy just smiles and pulls his hand out of his pocket. "It's a
pencil, but you're thinking and I like that."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park.
Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes
another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She
told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify
who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up
and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could
finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish
those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her
class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station
where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking
him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work
been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I
would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Little Johnny was playing in his grandfather's barn. He was dipping worms into a
mixture of chemicals he had discovered, then driving them like nails into a board.
Grampa, seeing this, offered him a new bicycle if he could borrow some of the mix
overnight.
The next morning, grampa staggered bowlegged out of his bedroom with a big grin on
his face. "All right, Johnny, let's go buy you a new bike!"
"Never mind Grampa," he replied, "Gramma was up early this morning and bought me a
motorcycle!"
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Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking home from school one day. As they walked
along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits.
"What are they doing, Johnny?" Suzie asked.
Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they
were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Lil'
Suzie replied, "Oh."
They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny." Well,
Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared"
her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked
past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?"
she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny." So,
Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.
After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they
saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Lil'
Johnny?" she asked again. "Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.
After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny."
Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "Boo, damn
it, Boo!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&777
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on
his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every
way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the
players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go
home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him
out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and
without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card
players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did
you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
A nursery school teacher says to the class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a
sentence?"
First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have
lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As
they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a
hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends
and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the
fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney
started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after
school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and
Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would
turn to stone....
And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you
live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big
for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week
allowance. That's should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked,
"And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to
the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher
replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The
correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a
sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit,
then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Johnny walks into a whorehouse. He's holding a shoebox under his arm. He reaches up
to the counter and rings the bell. Out comes the madame. She looks down at Johnny
and says to him, "Well, well, what can we do for you little boy?"
"Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids."
The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"
"Open yer fuckin' ears, bitch! I wanna girl with aids!"
She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize
that this kind of thing costs money, you know."
She stops laughing when Johnny slams down three hundred dollars
on the counter. "Money's not a problem, lady."
"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks.
"That ain't none of yer business. You gonna give me the bitch
with aids or what?"
"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get
her. By the way, what's in the shoebox?"
Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."
The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"
Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The madame looks
puzzled. Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the bitch with aids, then I get
aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She fucks my dad and he gets aids. My
dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the mailman and he gets aids and
that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of
the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally,
would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very
good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your
turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said,
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Smart Johnny
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on
each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly
doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?"
and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next
Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next
day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the
teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor
sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young
kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
************************************************************
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Title Post: Dreams, dreams, dreams?
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
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