what do you think of the start of my story?

this is the introduction to i story i have been writing. please tell me what you think and whether you would keep reading. any constructive criticism is welcome.


Beginning
We had just moved to Sydney and I remember feeling nervous. I was so nervous I had spent the whole time since moving chewing my nails into dust. I remember walking up to the school to enroll and my hands were shaking so much I had to put them in my pockets to stop them. My mum had said it wasnât a big deal, and I was fine until I got there, but as I looked up at the posh school and the principal looked down at me like a starving bear looks at a cooked chicken in a cartoon I gulped just like the characters do in the cartoons. When my teeth wouldnât stop chattering the principle Miss Rupert asked me if there was something wrong, I turned red and felt my cheeks grow hot.

I had come from Melbourne so it wasnât like I was starting out in a new country, but it was a new city, with a new school with a new group of people. It wasnât like I didnât want to move, but I liked it where we used to live, On the outskirts of Melbourne in a small town called Willconston with all my old friends and my old public school with just under 400 kids. Mum said it was best to start afresh, so she enrolled my and my two younger sisters and brother in the best and most well known private school in Sydney. St David Catholic School in the middle of the city. Since when have we been religious anyway? We have never gone to church or said grace before our meals or anything like that. We used to go to church the night before Easter when I was little, but since the triplets came along everything got difficult.

I remember my old house. It was big but just one story, it had a verandah all the way around and we had two paddocks out the back. It was a red brick house, but dad had painted it cream when I was five. He said it was to go with the sandstone edges that were on each of the four corners of the house. And it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and yellow of the sandstone. It had a grey corrugated iron roof and when it rained heavily it would make your ears ring but when it was light it was the best thing to lull you to sleep.

My room hadnât been big but at least I didnât have to share, my two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room. But it was so full of Narnieâs junk that it didnât matter much. Leahâs side was neater, her bed was always made and her clothes were hung up but it was hard to tell because Narnieâs Junk floated around the place making it all look messy. I loved sitting on the back verandah with Goat. We had a pet goat called Goat. He was good, but we never had much in the way of flowers because of him, mum didnât mind, she said she never had time to look after it before we got Goat, and after we got him the grass was always kept short. The grass in the garden was slightly greener that the yellowing grass of the paddocks beyond it but it was grey compared to the green in Sydney.

I was quite sad that we couldnât take Goat with us but dad kept him in his new home two houses down from our old one, and promised to look after him and give him a treat of string beans or carrot every few days. Anyways who ever heard of a goat in the middle of Sydney? It wasnât going to happen so I had to put up with it.

My new house is modern. It has an open plan area down stairs with a big kitchen and living room. Upstairs there are the bedrooms and a big study. We have three bathrooms. I tried to think of a situation where we would need that many, but I couldnât. There is a pool outside and a deck, it has a barbeque built into a bench topped with a giant granite slab that runs the length of the whole bench. Itâs not the same as our old house but it is new and there wonât be leaks in the roof out the back and they wonât be mice in the kitchen which is always good.

I like this house because my bedroom has a big window at one end and a walk in wardrobe next to it. There is enough room for a queen sized bed in my room, and none of the kids have to share bedrooms. The lounge room is a lot bigger than our old home but it isnât the same as before. It will never be the same. This time dad isnât with us. Heâs back in Melbourne and because of that it will never feel exactly like it used to.

Answer
it's ok, though i have two criticisms.
1: you are telling, not showing. You are just describing the scene. You need to use less description, but paint a better image. Less is more.
2: your sentences are much too long. there are commas where there should be full stops, or vice versa. This sentence:
My room hadnât been big but at least I didnât have to share, my two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room. But it was so full of Narnieâs junk that it didnât matter much.

should be like this:
My room hadnât been big but at least I didnât have to share. My two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room, but it was so full of Narnieâs junk that it didnât matter much.

this sentece:
He said it was to go with the sandstone edges that were on each of the four corners of the house. And it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and yellow of the sandstone.
should be like this:
He said it was to go with the sandstone edges that were on each of the four corners of the house, and it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and yellow of the sandstone.
there are more, but you can do those. im just giving you an idea of how things can be improved.

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Title Post: what do you think of the start of my story?
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