Is this a good personal essay? PLEASE HELP?!?
Q. This is a personal essay I had to write for english. It had to be about a childhood memory and had to be about how someone or something affected our lives. Please tell me what you think, honestly :) Thanks for reading, and say what I should fix:
The best memories of my life were spent with my sister Samantha and my cousin Ty. All of the family gatherings, the parties, and just regular weekend days were spent with them. Every picture, video, and Christmas card was filled with our smiling, half-tooth faces. We were inseparable.
No weekend was ever boring with us around. Every weekend was a new game of our creation, most of which were loud, obnoxious, and made no sense at all. Needless to say, the adults in our house dreaded the weekends. We were either making a mess by building a campsite out of sheets, running around the house and breaking stuff while trying to play superman, or making my youngest sister cry because we were unfair to her. Out of all of our weekend adventures, there was one game the adults hated the most. We played it almost every week and it drove them up the wall every time. They began to hate it so much it was banned from the house, and every time we played it we were sentenced to a time out in the chair. The name of the game was Slouder Barbies.
The game was simple and very repetitive, but somehow it kept us occupied for hours at a time. My sister and cousin would play several dolls, they were a family called the Slouders. They had this huge purple train that could hold tons of Barbie furniture and they would stuff almost every piece of plastic décor we had into it. They would say they just picked all of the stuff in the train up from the dump. They also had anywhere from five to fifteen children stuffed in that vehicle. The number of kids they had fluctuated depending on when we played. The doll I played in the game was a very rich, sophisticated woman. She couldnât stand the Slouders. The whole point of the game was that my girl would move into a neighborhood, the Slouders would follow her and she would get so annoyed that she moved to a new âneighborhoodâ, which was really just another bedroom in our house. The Slouders would follow her again, and the game would repeat in a like fashion.
The problem the adults had with our favorite game was that it was very loud. Every time that purple train ran across the wooden floor, it would sound like a thunder storm down in the living room. My cousin would often make the train get into âcar crashesâ by banging it into the wall. When my Barbie would get mad at the Slouders, she would scream at them and cause fake fights to bust out in my room. The constant clinging of the Barbie furniture and pitter-pattering of feet across the floor was enough to drive anyone insane. It was like a nightmare that never ended for the grown-ups.
One day my cousin crossed the line. In an attempt at humor, he threw the purple train down the stairs saying it just fell off of a cliff. That was it. My nanny got up from the living room and ran towards us like an angry monster. We could run but we could not hide. We scattered in all directions but she managed to catch every one of us. She picked us up, sat us all in the living room, and we had to face her raff. We listened to her furious roar for what seemed like a lifetime.
Then came the moment none of us were expecting but my cousin, sister, and I still remember vividly. My nanny got up from her chair, took the purple Barbie train, walked to the stairs to the basement and threw it down into the black hole of the cellar. We never saw that train again.
The best memories of my life were spent with my sister Samantha and my cousin Ty. All of the family gatherings, the parties, and just regular weekend days were spent with them. Every picture, video, and Christmas card was filled with our smiling, half-tooth faces. We were inseparable.
No weekend was ever boring with us around. Every weekend was a new game of our creation, most of which were loud, obnoxious, and made no sense at all. Needless to say, the adults in our house dreaded the weekends. We were either making a mess by building a campsite out of sheets, running around the house and breaking stuff while trying to play superman, or making my youngest sister cry because we were unfair to her. Out of all of our weekend adventures, there was one game the adults hated the most. We played it almost every week and it drove them up the wall every time. They began to hate it so much it was banned from the house, and every time we played it we were sentenced to a time out in the chair. The name of the game was Slouder Barbies.
The game was simple and very repetitive, but somehow it kept us occupied for hours at a time. My sister and cousin would play several dolls, they were a family called the Slouders. They had this huge purple train that could hold tons of Barbie furniture and they would stuff almost every piece of plastic décor we had into it. They would say they just picked all of the stuff in the train up from the dump. They also had anywhere from five to fifteen children stuffed in that vehicle. The number of kids they had fluctuated depending on when we played. The doll I played in the game was a very rich, sophisticated woman. She couldnât stand the Slouders. The whole point of the game was that my girl would move into a neighborhood, the Slouders would follow her and she would get so annoyed that she moved to a new âneighborhoodâ, which was really just another bedroom in our house. The Slouders would follow her again, and the game would repeat in a like fashion.
The problem the adults had with our favorite game was that it was very loud. Every time that purple train ran across the wooden floor, it would sound like a thunder storm down in the living room. My cousin would often make the train get into âcar crashesâ by banging it into the wall. When my Barbie would get mad at the Slouders, she would scream at them and cause fake fights to bust out in my room. The constant clinging of the Barbie furniture and pitter-pattering of feet across the floor was enough to drive anyone insane. It was like a nightmare that never ended for the grown-ups.
One day my cousin crossed the line. In an attempt at humor, he threw the purple train down the stairs saying it just fell off of a cliff. That was it. My nanny got up from the living room and ran towards us like an angry monster. We could run but we could not hide. We scattered in all directions but she managed to catch every one of us. She picked us up, sat us all in the living room, and we had to face her raff. We listened to her furious roar for what seemed like a lifetime.
Then came the moment none of us were expecting but my cousin, sister, and I still remember vividly. My nanny got up from her chair, took the purple Barbie train, walked to the stairs to the basement and threw it down into the black hole of the cellar. We never saw that train again.
Answer
Kayla.....I think this is a terrific response ( and I've corrected a LOT of awful ones in my 26 years as an English teacher!!:) !!) You write very well. My only suggestion is that perhaps the second part of your topic ("How someone or something affected our lives' ) deserves a sentence or two........you haven't really told us that. Perhaps in your conclusion .......a humorous quote about family.......or memories....or chilhood would do it. PS the word is wrath....not raff!!
Kayla.....I think this is a terrific response ( and I've corrected a LOT of awful ones in my 26 years as an English teacher!!:) !!) You write very well. My only suggestion is that perhaps the second part of your topic ("How someone or something affected our lives' ) deserves a sentence or two........you haven't really told us that. Perhaps in your conclusion .......a humorous quote about family.......or memories....or chilhood would do it. PS the word is wrath....not raff!!
What are their names ?
Mondo
You are a senior in highschool and your name is (First Middle Last) You become pregnant after a one night thing with a guy you are really crazy about. His name is (First Middle Last) and he asks you to marry him. Seven months later you give birth to a premature baby girl named (First Middle Last)
Two years later, your daughter is two, and you are 20, you become pregnant with twins! Identical girls. You name them (First Middle Last) && (First Middle Last)
Four years pass, you are 24, your daughter is 6, and your twins are 4. Your husband really wants a baby boy, so you try again. You find out 10 weeks later that it is a boy! Your husband is thrilled, so you let him name him. He chooses (First Middle Last)
Three years later, your last child is potty trained ): . You miss having the baby around. You and your husband decide to have one more baby. There is a history of multiples on both sides of the family. You are having triplets! Two girls and a boy. You name them (First Middle Last) , (First Middle Last) , && (First Middle Last)
You immediately decide that your five bedroom house is too small for such a large family, you move into this house.
Three years pass, and the kids decide itâs time for a pet⦠Uh oh. You get a two month old puppy. They get to name him. They choose (First)
Four years later, your best friend dies in a car accident. What is her name? (First Middle Last) You adopt her two week old son, because you are his godmother. What is his name? (First Middle Last)
You are so happy with your family (:
Answer
Caitlin Isabelle Gordon (real name, before my marriage)
James Dylan Fisher
Sophia "Fifi" Belle
Fifi grows into a beautiful little girl, whom can be dramatic at times, and it often fussy. If she had it her way she would be the queen of the world. She can be stubborn and bossy. Nonetheless, Fifi is a sweet little girl.
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/5848896/2/istockphoto_5848896-our-little-secret.jpg
Nicole "Nikki" Faith and Brooke Elizabeth
Nikki and Brooke grew into two pretty girls. The parted at the age of five, going two separate ways in order to be themselves. They found that being a twin, they had to be one person, and they wished not to be. Nonetheless they love each other very much. Nikki is the more sporty of the two, committing to many sports such as tennis, soccer and lacrosse. Brooke however, became the girly girl, whom spent her time choosing what shoes went better with her cardigan.
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/6453479/2/istockphoto_6453479-twin-sisters-using-laptop.jpg
Thomas "Tommy" Andrew
Tommy is a very sweet boy, often found curled up in Daddy's lap. He ended up being born two months early, due to pregnancy complications, but after the incubator he was just fine. He just got tired much more easily than the other children. Tommy is like a mini daddy, they look the same, and act the same. "I'm not little daddy," claims witty, Tommy, "Daddy is big me!"
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1476961/2/istockphoto_1476961-happy-boy.jpg
Skylar "Sky" Alyssa & Tessa Marie & Christopher "Chris" Ryan
Sky and Tessa are inseparable. They claim they're each others' best friend, which leaves poor Chris excluded. Of course being the sweet boy he is, he doesn't mind. Sky, Tessa, and Chris grew up to be beautiful and handsome children.
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/692474/2/istockphoto_692474-happy-babies.jpg
I move into a three story, brick, french architecture and decor.
Blitzen (after Santa's reindeer) "Blitz"
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/7928718/2/istockphoto_7928718-jack-russell-puppy-8-weeks.jpg
Best Friend: Jennifer "Jen" Ann Pierce
Jen's son: Finley "Fin" Noah
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/10557890/2/istockphoto_10557890-newborn-baby-boy-sleeping-peacefully-wearing-knit-hat.jpg
This was fun! Thanks so much!
Caitlin Isabelle Gordon (real name, before my marriage)
James Dylan Fisher
Sophia "Fifi" Belle
Fifi grows into a beautiful little girl, whom can be dramatic at times, and it often fussy. If she had it her way she would be the queen of the world. She can be stubborn and bossy. Nonetheless, Fifi is a sweet little girl.
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/5848896/2/istockphoto_5848896-our-little-secret.jpg
Nicole "Nikki" Faith and Brooke Elizabeth
Nikki and Brooke grew into two pretty girls. The parted at the age of five, going two separate ways in order to be themselves. They found that being a twin, they had to be one person, and they wished not to be. Nonetheless they love each other very much. Nikki is the more sporty of the two, committing to many sports such as tennis, soccer and lacrosse. Brooke however, became the girly girl, whom spent her time choosing what shoes went better with her cardigan.
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/6453479/2/istockphoto_6453479-twin-sisters-using-laptop.jpg
Thomas "Tommy" Andrew
Tommy is a very sweet boy, often found curled up in Daddy's lap. He ended up being born two months early, due to pregnancy complications, but after the incubator he was just fine. He just got tired much more easily than the other children. Tommy is like a mini daddy, they look the same, and act the same. "I'm not little daddy," claims witty, Tommy, "Daddy is big me!"
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1476961/2/istockphoto_1476961-happy-boy.jpg
Skylar "Sky" Alyssa & Tessa Marie & Christopher "Chris" Ryan
Sky and Tessa are inseparable. They claim they're each others' best friend, which leaves poor Chris excluded. Of course being the sweet boy he is, he doesn't mind. Sky, Tessa, and Chris grew up to be beautiful and handsome children.
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/692474/2/istockphoto_692474-happy-babies.jpg
I move into a three story, brick, french architecture and decor.
Blitzen (after Santa's reindeer) "Blitz"
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/7928718/2/istockphoto_7928718-jack-russell-puppy-8-weeks.jpg
Best Friend: Jennifer "Jen" Ann Pierce
Jen's son: Finley "Fin" Noah
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/10557890/2/istockphoto_10557890-newborn-baby-boy-sleeping-peacefully-wearing-knit-hat.jpg
This was fun! Thanks so much!
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Title Post: Is this a good personal essay? PLEASE HELP?!?
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
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