Is the first couple of pages of my story interesting enough?
Q. Here it is:
I could have been in the safety of my bedroom, drowning in my music rather than on the task I had set upon myself. But I was Annabelle Winchester, the Sheriff’s daughter and that wasn’t possible yet.
I gazed ahead of me blankly, regarding how each part of the forest seemed identical. Turning my head, I glanced towards the towering trees surrounding me.
The main highway was too risky to walk alongside because I would have left me far too visible. This isolated route conveniently offered me a way around the perimeter of North Dunmarch without getting seen by any soldiers securing the border of our town. It was a reckless decision but it was urgently necessary.
A breeze swept its way underneath the broad forest and steered me into a vice like grip as it heaved me backwards. I disregarded it and focused my thoughts back to why this trek was so essential. Dad was becoming sicker every day and resources were sparse in town which meant traveling to South Dunmarch where humans had been evacuated long ago. The town facilities were still in agreeable condition. There was an urgent importance in Dad getting better. He was the Sheriff of Dunmarch and he had successfully evacuated the remaining parts of Occultus. The soldiers managing the borders were just kids and needed a leader like my Dad.
Dunmarch forest appeared indifferent, full of wonder and beauty.
The scent of rain filled my nostrils as I continued on, my ears picking up on a soft groaning in the distance. My hand immediately tightened around the strap of my satchel bag. Everything I needed was in there.
I trekked onwards for a long while and my pace fastened on noticing more muffled groans, sounding closer. Anxiety built up inside as I realized they were hidden deeper in this forest then I initially assumed.
The trees thinned abruptly, an overgrown clearing opening up before me. The thick weeds had strangled any flowers which had tried to grow, making the area appear foreboding. It had obviously been deserted for too long. I sighed and headed across the limited greenery to where a small gate stood opposite, leading to the remaining part of the highway and directly to the town square.
Propping one leg up, I climbed over carefully. My black lace-up boots with inner fur were a wise choice for my trek here.
I pulled my hood up hastily, tilting my head downwards as I walked. I felt safe like that.
There were a row of houses on the left which all looked unkempt. The exterior walls had turned an ivory white to grubby grey.
The road was long and winding, with nothing besides discarded houses to keep me company. I glared directly at each one as I strode past, a troubling feeling building up in the pit of my stomach. I was prepared for anything that might decide to leap out at any moment.
Fortunately, it didn’t take too long to find the town square though it was just as eerily silent here. The stores located on site suggested they had been closed down for centuries rather than five years but there was still a creepy impression about the place.
A shopping mall lined the right of the square; the exterior camouflaged with graffiti tainted cardboard panels. Without the mall letters above, it could have easily been mistaken for any other wasted store. The positive was that it would be effortless to raid.
As I reached the mall, I shoved a loose, bulky panel towards the right, allowing a gap. A whiff of rotting flesh filled my nostrils, causing me to gag and step backwards. The stench was sheer rancid but my urgency to find medicine was greater and pushed me onwards as I stepped into the building.
Ceiling panels and daylight provided enough luminosity to a lengthy foyer, providing a bleak glance at a forgotten city. Several circular benches lined the middle but most had been destroyed vigorously. The linoleum tiles appeared as shabby as every unfurnished store I passed by. I shivered as I passed an empty fountain containing a mangled skeleton. I sensed the mall might not have been abandoned as long as I thought.
Leading on from the foyer was a wider area with a basic food court.
I headed hastily over to Walgreens with the shutter pulled halfway, certain I could feel eyes trailing me. As I moved inside, I tried to convince myself I was being irrational. Emergency lighting provided vision as I proceeded to the back, finding a lone grocery bag. I shoved as many bottles of water, nutrition bars and medicine into the bag as possible before heading directly back out.
I stared downwards, still suspecting I was being watched.
A sigh of relief escaped as I rounded the foyer because I was almost there, my mission completed. Just as I thought that, something vigorous grazed the back of my head though the force wasn’t sufficient enough to cause unconsciousness. My hand reached into the pocket of my hoodie, pulling out my Dad’s handgun as I weaved round swiftly set to shoot. I wasn’t prepared for what I discovered.
I need to know if the paragraph structure is correct and the story itself is interesting enough and I worked very hard on this so I need critical responses to make it better please. :)
I could have been in the safety of my bedroom, drowning in my music rather than on the task I had set upon myself. But I was Annabelle Winchester, the Sheriff’s daughter and that wasn’t possible yet.
I gazed ahead of me blankly, regarding how each part of the forest seemed identical. Turning my head, I glanced towards the towering trees surrounding me.
The main highway was too risky to walk alongside because I would have left me far too visible. This isolated route conveniently offered me a way around the perimeter of North Dunmarch without getting seen by any soldiers securing the border of our town. It was a reckless decision but it was urgently necessary.
A breeze swept its way underneath the broad forest and steered me into a vice like grip as it heaved me backwards. I disregarded it and focused my thoughts back to why this trek was so essential. Dad was becoming sicker every day and resources were sparse in town which meant traveling to South Dunmarch where humans had been evacuated long ago. The town facilities were still in agreeable condition. There was an urgent importance in Dad getting better. He was the Sheriff of Dunmarch and he had successfully evacuated the remaining parts of Occultus. The soldiers managing the borders were just kids and needed a leader like my Dad.
Dunmarch forest appeared indifferent, full of wonder and beauty.
The scent of rain filled my nostrils as I continued on, my ears picking up on a soft groaning in the distance. My hand immediately tightened around the strap of my satchel bag. Everything I needed was in there.
I trekked onwards for a long while and my pace fastened on noticing more muffled groans, sounding closer. Anxiety built up inside as I realized they were hidden deeper in this forest then I initially assumed.
The trees thinned abruptly, an overgrown clearing opening up before me. The thick weeds had strangled any flowers which had tried to grow, making the area appear foreboding. It had obviously been deserted for too long. I sighed and headed across the limited greenery to where a small gate stood opposite, leading to the remaining part of the highway and directly to the town square.
Propping one leg up, I climbed over carefully. My black lace-up boots with inner fur were a wise choice for my trek here.
I pulled my hood up hastily, tilting my head downwards as I walked. I felt safe like that.
There were a row of houses on the left which all looked unkempt. The exterior walls had turned an ivory white to grubby grey.
The road was long and winding, with nothing besides discarded houses to keep me company. I glared directly at each one as I strode past, a troubling feeling building up in the pit of my stomach. I was prepared for anything that might decide to leap out at any moment.
Fortunately, it didn’t take too long to find the town square though it was just as eerily silent here. The stores located on site suggested they had been closed down for centuries rather than five years but there was still a creepy impression about the place.
A shopping mall lined the right of the square; the exterior camouflaged with graffiti tainted cardboard panels. Without the mall letters above, it could have easily been mistaken for any other wasted store. The positive was that it would be effortless to raid.
As I reached the mall, I shoved a loose, bulky panel towards the right, allowing a gap. A whiff of rotting flesh filled my nostrils, causing me to gag and step backwards. The stench was sheer rancid but my urgency to find medicine was greater and pushed me onwards as I stepped into the building.
Ceiling panels and daylight provided enough luminosity to a lengthy foyer, providing a bleak glance at a forgotten city. Several circular benches lined the middle but most had been destroyed vigorously. The linoleum tiles appeared as shabby as every unfurnished store I passed by. I shivered as I passed an empty fountain containing a mangled skeleton. I sensed the mall might not have been abandoned as long as I thought.
Leading on from the foyer was a wider area with a basic food court.
I headed hastily over to Walgreens with the shutter pulled halfway, certain I could feel eyes trailing me. As I moved inside, I tried to convince myself I was being irrational. Emergency lighting provided vision as I proceeded to the back, finding a lone grocery bag. I shoved as many bottles of water, nutrition bars and medicine into the bag as possible before heading directly back out.
I stared downwards, still suspecting I was being watched.
A sigh of relief escaped as I rounded the foyer because I was almost there, my mission completed. Just as I thought that, something vigorous grazed the back of my head though the force wasn’t sufficient enough to cause unconsciousness. My hand reached into the pocket of my hoodie, pulling out my Dad’s handgun as I weaved round swiftly set to shoot. I wasn’t prepared for what I discovered.
I need to know if the paragraph structure is correct and the story itself is interesting enough and I worked very hard on this so I need critical responses to make it better please. :)
A. I'd start here because it lets the reader know quickly 1) what kind of story this is and 2) what the POV character wants:
"This trip was essential--dangerous, but essential. Dad was becoming sicker every day and resources were sparse in town which meant traveling to South Dunmarch where humans had been evacuated long ago."
Though instead of the vague "resources," I'd say "antibiotics" or something specific.
Don't overuse "trek"--it's an odd enough word that more than once is too much.
Seems to be a lot of stuff left in the store! Not looted but once in the past? I'd be happier if she had to pick up a ripped up PDR and compare pictures to scattered pills on the floor. Doing so would take time--she'd get more and more nervous. Every little sound would make her heart pound. So you'd be able to ratchet up the tension.
HTH
"This trip was essential--dangerous, but essential. Dad was becoming sicker every day and resources were sparse in town which meant traveling to South Dunmarch where humans had been evacuated long ago."
Though instead of the vague "resources," I'd say "antibiotics" or something specific.
Don't overuse "trek"--it's an odd enough word that more than once is too much.
Seems to be a lot of stuff left in the store! Not looted but once in the past? I'd be happier if she had to pick up a ripped up PDR and compare pictures to scattered pills on the floor. Doing so would take time--she'd get more and more nervous. Every little sound would make her heart pound. So you'd be able to ratchet up the tension.
HTH
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Title Post: Is the first couple of pages of my story interesting enough?
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
Rating: 97% based on 9598 ratings. 4,8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks For Coming To My Blog
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